What's the best insult you've heard on a rugby pitch?

[pastit]

My mate was making his premiership debut at scrum half. He was playing against Andy Gomersall. My mate tried to be funny at the first scrum and said to Gomers "don't hurt your back putting the ball in, old man". Gomers retorted "I would give you some abuse, but I have no idea who the f@*k you are!"
Ouch.

[Phoenixmole]

I think I've seen Splinter scurrying about the sewars of Cantley......

So heres the facts - splinter seems to know too much about both wheatley and phoenix - and likes to scurry round the sewars of cantley. It can be only one person!  JS

[The Vole]

I think I've posted this before but it's worth mentioning again!

I was at an awards dinner with Harry Ellis doing the talk, and he said he can always remember his 1st team debut at Leicester. He had taken Austin Healey's position at 9 - and Healey had dropped to the bench. In the changing rooms before the game, the experienced Healey came over to Ellis and asked how he was feeling ahead of his debut in front of 15,000 at Welford Road  - Ellis replied 'I'm really, really nervous about it mate - absolutely bricking myself!', to which Healey told him 'Yeah, well you should be nervous - because you're f*cking sh*t!'

[PercyR]

Sometimes actions speak louder than words.

Many years ago Pock Colts were playing Scabs Colts on top of Olivers Mount. Our scrum half was slight but chirpy, the Scabs' 9 was a bruiser. Half a dozen times in the opening minutes the Pock lad was boshed and grappled, on and off the ball, by his opposite number and Scabs had already gone a score up.

At the next scrum the Pock No9 turned round, pulled his shorts down, showed his a**e to the Scabs scrum half and said "You can f**k me as well if you want."

General laughter all round, except by the Scabs scrum half, who went bright red and got a good ribbing from his teammates for having gay tendancies.

Result - the Scabs 9 never laid a finger on the Pock lad for the rest of the game and Pock won comfortably.

[Wath-Youngster]

I heard a good one in a colts match I refereed a few months backs (club of the player will not be mentioned)..

Oppo prop with long hair comes on, prop takes one look at him and says "You and your sister are twins aren't you"... took all my mite to not laugh... the conversation went on from there as you can imagine.

Very funny lads are front row players!

Bet any money this was Wath lol

[flying_kiwi]

Wath Youngster, spot on!!, you have a couple of very funny lads in the front row. They have me in fits of laughter whenever I see them at colts or merit level....

[Bombardier29]

Playing in the front row when a sly punch from the second row was common, as all rugby players I used to do my best to show I was unmoved no matter how hard the blow. I always used to tell the perpetrator "my wife hits harder than that" Worked ok until one time I got groggily to my feet uttering my usual phrase only to be told I'd been out cold for three minutes and was promptly led from the field. (she does by the way)

[Cheese]

Not rugby I know, but Phil tufnell in Australia being asked by one of the crowd If he can borrow his brain as he's building an idiot! Quality!


---
I am here: http://maps.google.com/maps?ll=53.761022,-1.634435

[shrekane]

A referee in a national 2 game had been chelped at all afternoon by the home teams scrum half after 60 mins he called the captain over and said " shut your scrum half up will you,either that of get him to marry me"
Deathly silence afterwards

[flying_kiwi]

Best cricket one was Glen McGrath asking Ed "Chicken Farmer" O'Brands "Why are you so fat" after he nearly edged another delivery... the reply "Cause everytime I **** your wife she gives me a biscuit"...

[Nucky]

One of my personal favourites was when one of the Barnsley lads, might have been the hooker, called our 12 Toadfish after the Neighbours character.

On the cricket theme I liked Ian Botham's banter with one of the Aussies as he came in to bat.

Aussie fielder: Now then Beefy how's your wife and my kids?
Beefy: Wife's fine kids are retarded!

Not PC but a great comeback.

[Silverroyd seat warmer]

Not rugby but would still work nicely. During a Sunday morning football match one of my team asked the ref if it was a cup game. When told "no, it's a league match" he responded with "hooker me, are this lot in the same league as us?" Quite demoralising for them but funny as...

[glenners]

Few year ago playing against Bradford & Bingley......one wag from the touchline shouted just as the ball was about to be thrown into the line   "Oi fly half why don't you get up half an hour earlier each morning then you can be a c**t a bit longer every day"

Both sides and ref collapsed with laughter !!!

[Achilles]

Yarnbury 3rds playing Leeds Corinthians 2nds on a blustery day, one of the Corinthians forwards shouts,
"that lineout was about as straight as your fly half!"

Yarnbury 3rds against Huddersfield 3rds, Yarnbury's hooker gave a lineout call of "Klu Klux Klan" the three black lads in the backline shifted a little uncomfortably... until both teams collapsed with laughter.

[Time off]

Not an insult but not bright either....

An ex Leeds hooker... who played at Ilkley... big clue.... went to the line out and said:

Ref... how long?
Reply: 20
Hooker: Gone or to go?

result: line out collapsed in laughter while he tried to work it out what he had said!